I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
