is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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