if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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