the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
