Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
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