Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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