I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
we're making bets on your personal life
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
