Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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