Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
He told me they were just razor bumps!
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
