The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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