i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
