he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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