I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
