I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
accomplished twins. life is a go
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
