if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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