I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
