What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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