i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
