I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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