He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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