so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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