At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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