I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
