I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
