i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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