I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
