I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize