Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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