Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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