i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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