Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
