someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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