In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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