i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
