The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
