He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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