Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
