WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
FUCK WHALES
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
