Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
