No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He has the fingertips of a God
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize