I got chris browned last night
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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