after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
