Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
