omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
