I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
