I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
