From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
