i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize