Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i love accidental penises.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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