getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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