Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
