Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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