I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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