Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
