I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
All I want is dick and wine.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
