thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
