I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
