Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
