hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
