she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
