Where is the hickey?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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