So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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