halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
