The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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