Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
