I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
