sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
