guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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