I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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