I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
