he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
