Michael Bay diarrhea
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
