I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize