So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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