this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
