I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
