Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
