if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
