Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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